How to Become Pope (Kentucky Edition)

So you’ve woken up in your holler, poured a strong cup of coffee, and thought to yourself, You know what? I’d like to be Pope.

Happens to the best of us. It’s right up there with winning the derby or making the perfect skillet of cornbread.

But where do you even start? Is there an application? Do you send a resume? Can you be Pope and still call your grandma “Mamaw”?

Here’s the game plan, bless your heart.

Step 1: Be Catholic First things first. You gotta be in the club.

Not just showing up on Easter and Christmas either.

We’re talking real-deal, communion-on-the-tongue-every-Sunday level.

If your last religious experience was yelling “Jesus take the wheel” while hydroplaning near Bowling Green, you may need to tighten it up a bit.

Step 2: Become a Cardinal No, not a Louisville Cardinal.

We’re talking the kind that wears red robes and doesn’t throw a football.

Cardinals are the ones who vote for the Pope, but they can also become one.

It’s like the church’s version of “You scratch my back, I might make you Holy Father.”

To become a Cardinal, you gotta move on up, like priest, then bishop, then archbishop, then big-time Vatican connections. Basically, it’s the Catholic SEC.

Step 3: Go to the Conclave Once the current Pope either retires or heads to glory, the Cardinals head to Rome.

They get locked in a room like your cousin at Thanksgiving trying to avoid family drama. No phones. No TikTok. Just robes, prayers, and ballots.

Every time they vote, they burn the paper. If you see black smoke, it means nope, try again. White smoke means someone’s getting fitted for a very fancy hat.

Step 4: Get the Call If the Holy Spirit and the Cardinals all agree on you, congratulations.

You’re the new Pope. You even get to pick your Pope name. Might we suggest Pope Bourbon I? Has a ring to it.

A Few Tips: 

1. Try not to run a still. Popes typically frown on tax-free moonshine.

2. Be humble, even if you just scored the holiest promotion known to mankind.

3. Brush up on Latin. “Bless you, my child” hits different when you say it in ancient Rome-speak.

So, there you go. Becoming Pope from Kentucky? Not easy.

But then again, neither was beating Indiana in '92. Aim high, pray hard, and maybe one day that white smoke will be for you.