Bald and Buzzworthy

Let’s face it, gentlemen—some of us are losing the hair race faster than Kentucky loses basketball games in March Madness (not often, but enough to sting). By "some of us," I mean us bald guys who can count our follicles quicker than our bourbon bottles.

But being follicle challenged doesn’t get you off the hook for grooming. Nope, you’ve still got beards to shape and noggins to shine. And guess what? Grooming doesn’t have to cost a small fortune.

I used to hand over $20 every two weeks to a barber who spent more time on my beard than my hair. Then unemployment struck, and I had an epiphany: I could save nearly $500 a year by DIY-ing my haircuts. That’s enough to restock my bourbon shelf or splurge on tickets to Keeneland.

Armed with clippers, a shaky hand, and more confidence than sense (thanks to TikTok), I dove headfirst into the world of at-home grooming. What could possibly go wrong? (Spoiler: A lot.)

The Balding Man’s Game Plan

Step 1: Accept Your Fate

You’re not shooting for Fabio here. Aim for “clean and respectable.” If you’re rocking a beard, think of it as the consolation prize for your head—like winning the door prize at the Kentucky State Fair.

Image Idea: A cartoon of a bald man shrugging with a glorious beard, captioned: "The Beard: Nature’s Refund."

Step 2: Get the Right Tools

A good set of clippers with adjustable guards is a must. Mine has a fancy dial with settings from 1 to 10. Translation: 1 is “just grew out of the womb,” and 10 is “bald guy clinging to dreams.”

Image Idea: Clippers with numbered guards, maybe humorously labeled "Bourbon Budget Saver."

Step 3: Start at the Sideburns

Begin with a longer guard—let’s say a 4—and work your way down to shorter lengths as you move toward the top of your head. Blend as you go. This isn’t a Michelangelo sculpture; it’s a scalp.

Image Idea: Diagram of a bald man with arrows showing the clipper's path, ending at a shiny top.

Step 4: Go Full Cue Ball

Ditch the guard and go all-in if you’re ready for the shiny dome life. Work in sections, tapering gently until your noggin gleams like a Louisville Slugger under Friday night lights.

Image Idea: A bald man looking proud with a baseball bat in hand, head gleaming under stadium lights.

Step 5: Dealing with Longer Hair?

If you’ve still got hair to manage, you might be reading the wrong article.

Pro Tips from Yours Truly

1. Wash Before You Clip: Even if you’ve got five strands, make them the cleanest five in the Bluegrass.

2. Invest in Mirrors: Get one that shows the back of your head. You don’t want a “Kentucky Speedway” racing stripe back there.

3. Tame the Outliers: Rogue hairs will pop up like a squirrel in your backyard—handle them with precision or sheer determination.

The first time I tried this, I thought I looked sharp. My wife thought I’d lost a bet. But after a few tries, I got it right, and the savings have been sweeter than a shot of Pappy Van Winkle. Plus, there’s something liberating about being your own barber, even if the look screams “rugged charm.”

So, Kentucky brethren, fire up the clippers and give it a go. Worst-case scenario? You sport a ballcap and call it a week of "Bluegrass chic." Best case? You’re $480 richer and rocking the most aerodynamic head in the state.

Send us your before-and-after pics! Bonus points if there’s a funny story behind the haircut. After all, life’s too short for bad hair or no humor.